wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
