I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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