does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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