Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
