the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
