I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
