I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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