Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
