"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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