I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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