Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
