my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
