I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
