My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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