I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
