I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
