I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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