Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You took a bar mat shot.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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