and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
