Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize