Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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