I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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