She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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