oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
