i can't believe i had my finger in that
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
