I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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