My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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