you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
