i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
