I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
