I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
