I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
