My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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