did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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