idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize