I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
