If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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