Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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