my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
