I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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