The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
