I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
