It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
