You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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