remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize