i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize