I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
