I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
