There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
