We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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