saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
