I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
