Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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