nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
