They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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